Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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