I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
