Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
