I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
