I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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