You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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