How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
