tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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