Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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