Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
