My first STD was from a foam party
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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