I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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