U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
