Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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