shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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