Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
