did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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