I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
