so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
