Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
