I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just pee around me
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
