Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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