Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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