Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
