The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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