They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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