The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
