The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
