we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
