He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
