Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
what day is it and did you see me today?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize