I need to stop coming to work sober
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
