my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
