this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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