just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
