This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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