yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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