Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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