She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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