is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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