in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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