I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
