I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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