you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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