i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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