I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
