i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize