Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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