Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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