Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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