i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
