Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
