Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
