is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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