oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
