hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
