Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
