I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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