Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
