I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize