Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
